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 FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1

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PostSubject: FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1   Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:41 pm

FusionFall Evolution Excel
Chapter 1 Fusion Warriors.
"You're weak! You could never save anyone boy! Ahahahahh!" Yelled a girl.
I woke up afterwards. It was a nightmare like no other. I was sleeping on my desk a few minutes away from summer. Emilia was there smiling at me and giggling, when school ended me and her were walking through the hall. It was the day I would finally ask her out. She let her hair loose and asked me how she looks.
"I think you look great, you always do" I said smiling.
"If you say so, Thank you" She said in a shy voice.
We were heading to the exit.
BOOM
A green meteor crashed into the school. Green oozing monsters came out of the meteor, Among them a young girl also appeared, she seemed to be their leader. As the monsters all attacked the school, I tried finding Emilia a way out. However the fusions bit my leg and I colapsed after puching it the monster melted away.
"Hey kid. You think you can just punch my fusion spawns eh??" Said the evil girl in green.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked
"Oh, hmm, Idk I'm having fun though. ATTACK!" she commanded
as I got up and started punching away, she sneaks up behind me and knocked out my oxygen by kicking me in the stomache. As I stood there helpless, I watched Her grab Emilia
"Hey! Let go of her!!" I yelled "I'll save you Emilia!"
The ground beneath me was instantly covered in goo. In a matter of seconds I was hit by a burst of energy. I slowly passed out. the last thing I heard was
"You're weak! You could never save anyone boy! Ahahahahh!" Yelled a girl.

When I awoke I was in some sort of academy. A boy with a green jacket looked at me. He put out his hand and helped me on my feet. I was covered in bandages, he gave me a suit, told me to wear it. He told me there was now a war against an enemy planet, Planet fuse. The planet consumes all other things in space, now Earth is next, He told me not everyone was on Earths side though. Fusion Warriors are the humans who choose to help Fuse In search of a meaning, Fuse is the leader of all the Fusions and grants these warriors the power of the fusion they make contracts with. That girl I encountered was a Fusion Spawn warrior. She could infinitly spawn them at will.
"So what, I have to save a girl I know." I said
"You wont be able to save anyone, you'll be killed first." He said as he forced me to join.
Now I have no other choice then to train in order to save her, I have to now enter with 3 other warriors, into Fusion Finn's lair. the 3 of them were useless when it came to fighting, it was a good thing I recieved a gun from Ben. Finn punched and punched but I would dodge his fists too rapidly then I shot him in his face. As he melted away, we all recieved nano Finns. Little cute versions of Fusions are Nanos. All that evil turned into love and happiness. I soon went on to meet Grim, Rex, Finn, And at graduation they all stood and sent me off. I chose Mojo as my guide, I thought of him as an odd character, Since he is a villain I decided to also keep an eye on him.
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PostSubject: Re: FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1   Tue Aug 28, 2012 9:15 pm

Interesting.
It's rather course
(other word was censored for some reason... and to the point.

Your story flow is nice but could you be more descriptive? I know you're going with your story but try to make it "flow".

Take for instance the part with you waking up in front of Ben:

--

"I don't know how long I was out. Who was that weird green girl? And why'd she take emilia?

The thought tormented me for hours it seemed. The scene with emilia being taken away, her face full of terror -

And me.

Helpless to stop her abductor.

"Hey."

"Hey!"

"HEYYYY"

Waking with a start, I sat up immediately from an apparent resting position, just to ram my forehead against someone elses.

Reeling back in pain, he fell over clutching the part of his head that I hit. Clutching my own, Istarted to tear up a tiny bit.
That hurt.

"Aye, jeez!" He said, still wincing from the pain.
"You sleep like a bear and all of a sudden, you almmost give me a concusion."

"Sorry about that..." I said admittedly.

Now that the pain was starting to subside, I finally began to take notice of my surroundings and the kid that wwas hovering over me.
This place. It was like no other. I can barely put it into words.
The sky was a turmoiled crimsom red with what appeares to be rocks floationg all around. The air, it almost felt stagnant despite the sky swirling feverishly overhead and smelled faintly of earth. It also became apparent immediately that I was not the only one here. There were kids just like me everywhere! Some were running around with these strange looking orange guns that I've never seen before. There was a large crowd of them infront of what looks to be some sort of blue robot. The robot I could barely hear was giving out friendly greetings to all those that came up to speak to him.

POW! POW!

Looking to the left of the strange scene to the origin of the noise, I spot two kids in silver armour shooting at something. Looking closer, I couldn't believe my eyes! I-IT...IT WAS THAT SAME EVIL GOO THAT TRASHED MY SCHOOL AND TOOK OFF WITH EMILIA! I couldn't believe it! Was she here I thought?!
Begining to look around frantically, the kid I bumped into noticed my panic.

"Hey. You okay? Here. Let me help you up."
Standing up, fully recovered from our encounter, he walks over and extends a hand to help me up. Of course, returning the gesture, I grab his hand and he pulls me to my feet.
I'm sorry but he had on the COOLEST jacket I'd ever seen! It was a sweet emerald green with a sporty white racing stripe going down the left side. Completing the look, there was a sewn on circle patch that had "10" in the middle. It looked like a fall or Spring jacket. But whatever. I know I'd look fly in that! I gotta remember to ask him where he got it from...

But then I start to think...
I. I've seen this jacket before.

Then noticing the rest of his features, I slowly began to put the peices together.
Brown hair. The green jacket. Those unnaturally green creepy eyes......and that watch.


No.

No that's not a watch.

Then it hit me.
I know who this guy is.....and I almost, JUST ALMOST. Had a fanboy fit.
I am SO GLAD I have self control. I almost made it reek of nerd in this creepy place.
--


See? Now granted I took your three sentences and turned them into an entire chapter but the goal is to enjoy the writing process so lenght shouldn't be an issue.

You don't have to use the entire lenght of the dictionary like I did.....but It would hook readers like magnets if you add some descriptive magic to the story!

I hope this helps! I'll be looking to see more! Happy2

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However I cant gurantee that I will get them finished fast..........or at all.
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PostSubject: Re: FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1   Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:15 pm

lolz yeh thnx, wrote it in the hour I had beforeI went to school lol, but yeh its good to have have someone who has more exp in this area tell me how I can improve. moo itz a whale .________.

wanted to go through the begining quick and get to Sector v and all that stuff lol, Im not a big fan of the begining introductions I was gonna let the story do the talking.
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PostSubject: Re: FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1   Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:26 pm

Shocked Shocked Undelos... Why don't you make a story SINCE YOU ARE SO FREEEAKING AMAZING!!!! Sure you don't have to do it always whenever you have the chance but I think you could do it!

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PostSubject: Re: FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1   Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:55 pm

Undead Brad wrote:
Shocked Shocked Undelos... Why don't you make a story SINCE YOU ARE SO FREEEAKING AMAZING!!!! Sure you don't have to do it always whenever you have the chance but I think you could do it!


I thought undelos did make one?? That thing with x and bella? o_o
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PostSubject: Re: FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1   Wed Aug 29, 2012 12:03 am

I don't think I can recall any time Undelos has made a fanfic here but she did contribute to the fan girl fanfic that involved me, armorspark, Undelos, Pistol and I think a couple more people.

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FusionFall Name : Rex Undelos
Level : 21
Female Posts : 6344
Join date : 2011-09-06
Age : 25
FF Location : Slaying evil. Wherever it may hide.

PostSubject: Re: FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1   Wed Aug 29, 2012 2:25 am

Guilty! Yup! I did contribute to the madness here......although it was more of a Role play/ story than a fanfic.

That is Xtreme's best thread ever
I wonder If we'll ever have another like it?

@Grumpy
HEAVENS NO!!
Yeah I may have contributed to the lunacy, but I'm not one of those that likes to make stories about couples. Romance makes me break out in hives. So does teen sitcoms. And almost every show on disney.
Except for Kick Buttowski.

Cause that show is win.

@Undead Brad

Nah. Too easy......as you can tell. Glare
Comics are more challenging and on par with my current skills.

Besides! Everyone knows I'm good at art. Someone else can be known for their amazing ability to write an addicting story!
Wink!

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However I cant gurantee that I will get them finished fast..........or at all.
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RadMaster Raj


FusionFall Name : Rex Undelos
Level : 21
Female Posts : 6344
Join date : 2011-09-06
Age : 25
FF Location : Slaying evil. Wherever it may hide.

PostSubject: Re: FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1   Wed Aug 29, 2012 2:30 am

grumpythesheep wrote:
I wanted to go through the begining quick and get to Sector v and all that stuff lol, Im not a big fan of the begining introductions I was gonna let the story do the talking.

:s: sorry. I didn't know it was merely an introductory chapter....

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PostSubject: Re: FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1   Today at 11:05 am

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FusionFall Evolution Excel Chapter 1

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