So, first of all, I've been a little absent on the site. The reason for that is school, friends, parties that I didn't really want to attend to, ect.

But I'm back now, and with a new and improved Windows 8 HP computer. (Yes, that means i'm going to be on DN now)

But aside from that, I've got a little problem here. See, my school is hosting this "Create your own story" competition thing. And I've already got the plot and the main part of the story finished. Sure, it needs to be edited heavily, but at least I have something. Right now i'm trying to see if other people like my idea, and why not better people than you guys!       

So, here's how it goes:

"It's the year 2175; a rather dark year for humanity. The human race was torn to shreds after a horrible accident that occurred twenty years before, a world wide radioactive explosion that killed off a great portion of the human species. Some were eternally scarred; forced to replace their flesh with robotic features, others had to live with a missing eye or leg because of their financial problems. Without someone to lead or help them, the entire planet was sumitted into chaos...That was until Vincent Carver, a man with a cold heart that only seeked for power, took advantage and gained control of this dying world. Fast forward twenty years, Carver has turned into a world wide dictator that leads the world with an iron fist. A group of people that call themselves "The resistance " rebelled against Carver and tried to help other people that were simply ignored by Carver and his men, protecting the innocent and saving lives with their "unusual" abilities.

In an east part of Europe, a young 19 year old man named Daniel Kersey tried to make the best out of his new life. His only objective is to find the people who killed his parents, a year after the great accident had happened. He prefers to maintain a low profile, mainly because of the strange "abilities" he possesses. The cause of these abilities are somewhat strange, since it seems that many people gained powers from the nuclear explosion rather than losing any vital body part. Most people consider them abominations and try to hunt them down. Daniel's only option is to fight them, but sometimes things go completely out of his control and often tend to get...Messy. Throughout his journey he meets new people and discovers secrets of his own past and how the mutant powers came to be. He must learn to trust in others - and in himself - for he risks losing his own life because of this cursed power, as the dangers he faces in this world quickly become all too real."

The title's going to be: "The Infamous" (Not the video game...You get the idea.)

Like I said I still need to edit it and make some changes, but for right now, this is what I have. So whaddya guys think? Too boring? Too long? I'm open for criticism.  

It's almost been a whole day and no one has said anything... Really? no one? Is my story that boring.

Sorry. I have a small attention span.  

Oliver Zombieweasel wrote:

Sorry. I have a small attention span.  

I do too, but come on. It was just two paragraphs, not one of undelos's big and long speeches.    (No offense undy)

man my eyes are really blurry then, got hard to read but when I read it in a min I'll reply It sounds cool in the beginning that I read.

It just takes me a while to comment sometimes nowdays.

Well. Its not a new story I must admit. However, it is rather dramatic which is not a bad thing in the least. I guess for me, It doesnt draw me in as much. It might be because of my personal preference to gravitate stories that dont take themselves too seriously.

I tend to like stories that arent too serious.........but have cool action to them.
Shows like Generator Rex and Fairy Tail I like for a reason.
Yeah both main protagonists lost their parents in some form or another but they never let that dampen their spirits. Natsu and Rex keep going doing what they love to do best. They never let it become a gloom and doom fest.
AGAIN! thats just my personal preference.


Another thing, These two stories are completely different from one another. Granted, yes, a medieval fantasy tale isnt new, nor is a near future society.......but there is something unique about each tale that sets it apart from one another and any story that it can be compared to.
I guess I dont see that Uniqueness in your story.


Try this:

Think of ONE simple Idea that you would like to see, and then build around it.

GenRex was simply "What if someone had the power to build machines on their body?"

Mine for my FusionFall comic is: What if all we knew about just "Planet Fuse" was just a farce......and that there were MORE out there that we didnt know of.





Find an interesting Idea that you want and build around it. ALSO! ITS MUCHO IMPORTANTE THAT YOU GET INFO ABOUT THE FACTS OF YOUR STORY ELEMENTS!!!

I'll help you out a bit:

So you say that your Post-Apocalyptic future was caused by a radioactive event right?

Radioactivity is deadly because it causes DNA strands to break down along with other terrible adverse health effects. However, there have been studies shown that Some animals have returned to Chernobyl site along with select plants that have adapted to grow in the area.

How about if your character Daniel has been one of the few that was able to not only adapt to the Radioactivity.....but can use it to destroy the cells in others? Since others in this time period have already survived due to the radioactivity, It wont affect them to be near him......unless he becomes Radioactive. Maybe X can give you a bit more info on this. Once he does, those that are affected will start to experience crippling pain.

He can also generate alot of power and energy by creating Nuclear Fisson.

Maybe the idea with this is that he is one of the few that can use this disaster to his advantage.....and others want to take hold of this power and use it for their own gains. Maybe he roams the world, staying on the move and out of sight. He is willing to help others if they need it but he doesnt stay to take thanks. As far as your grand Plot..............dunno. feel free to keep the same one or rebuild it. Or throw the entire Idea out and just go with something of your own. No problems here.

Take a look at this video to get more ideas for your story:

GrandMaster Rex wrote:

It just takes me a while to comment sometimes nowdays.

Looking at the size of most of your posts, I can see why.  

 

Necrobumping because my story made it to the top 10 finalists!

So, I took in mind what Undelos said and made some changes here and there, and I also added some new stuff.
Like Carver having a sort of interest in the mutants, an interest that goes much farther than simply controlling the world with them.

Daniels childhood friend, Johanna, helps him escape every time Carvers troops get close to him and try to capture him. Although she holds a secret of her own that could easily ruin their relationship.

The story takes place in London, in the city of Reims, the whole radioactive catastrophe took place in a city called Chernobyl. (Some people might know why I chose this city in the first place)

Instead of just radio activeness I decided to put something extra in the story, like a special elixir that allowed people to gain these abilities, no one knows what it was/is but one thing is for sure, it didn't come from this planet.

The explosion wasn't an accident, everything was planned, the mutants, the monsters that came afterwards, the fact that time and space was slowly ripping itself apart. Someone did this by his/her own will, but with what purpose?

Even though he doesn't show it, Daniel cares for the people of his kind. A.K.A Mutants, he tries to help them whenever he can.

A group of fighters are located in a sealed up city in the north part of London. Locals refer to it as "Odyssey", they are the only people who are fighting against Vincent. Daniel has no interest in joining them...At least not yet.

And just because.
Here's a part of chapter one:   



Sirens could be heard from outside of Daniel’s apartment, the vivid lights that followed them were also present, moving from one side to the other and giving the room quick flashes of red and blue. Daniel, who was laying on his bed, groaned in sight of this.



“Ugh…Not this again” he said rubbing his eye



He sat up and looked at his clock, a holographic monitor placed at the side of his bed. The screen showed “7:31 a.m.”



“You’ve got to be kidding me…making so much noise so early in the morning”



He stood up and stretched his arms, he tilted his head from side to side trying to warm himself up.



“I don’t even want to know what’s going out there” he said with a grunt



“But now that I’m up… I might as well go see... I have to go to work in a few hours anyway.”



He walked out of his room and towards the hallway, there were various rooms besides his. Most of them looked worn out from all the years they’ve been in use, others still looked in pretty good shape. And then there was his room, the smallest apartment in the building, an uncomfortably small room where only a bed, a small shelf and a dirty little window was everything that the room provided. But in Daniels case this apartment was better than nothing, especially since a man named Vincent E. Carver took over the town.



Carver had sent his men out to take over the few lands that still had some kind of freedom, he took over this town, Reims, and various other places. Now, only a place in the far north of London that the locals nicknamed “Odyssey” was fighting back, rebelling against Carver’s orders.



Daniel had no interest in joining them, he preferred to keep moving on his own will; staying out of the sight of Carvers troops. Which is the reason he can’t afford a good apartment or keep a very good job.



Daniel walked over to the elevator and pressed one of the buttons, a few moments later the elevator doors slowly opened. He stepped inside and pushed the lobby floor button.



Suddenly a hand stopped them from closing. As the doors opened back up a girl seemingly about Daniels age stepped into the elevator.



“Oh, hey Daniel, it’s not very usual to see up at this hour” she said happily



“Hey, Johanna” Daniel responded, making a half smile.



“Yeah, there’s been so much noise this morning I really couldn’t get any sleep, I thought I might as well go get some breakfast”



Daniel yawned.



“I’m curious about what all the noise is about anyway”



Johanna though for a few seconds and then searched through the purse she was carrying, she pulled out a small paper. She smiled and showed it to Daniel.



“Here take this” She said in a soothing voice “You need it more than I do”



Daniel paused for a few seconds before taking the scrap of paper from Johanna’s hands, he turned it around until he could read what it said: “Special prize coupon: One free latte and breakfast” Daniel was now fully smiling. Johanna was a sweet girl, she and Daniel were friends since they were kids. She always had Daniels back, helping him in whatever she could, whenever he was feeling down in the dumps, she offered her shoulder for him, whenever he needed money, she gave him some, and vice versa. They helped each other like any friend would, nothing could tear them apart…That was until Carver’s men took over the city.



Ever since they came, Daniel had to constantly move from town to town, trying to find a way to stay hidden from the sight of Carver’s troops. Daniel and Johanna become inevitably more distant, but they were still friends nether less, even though it was illegal for non-infected people to be with the mutants.



Daniel looked up to see Johanna’s eyes glitter with happiness



“Thanks J, but you don’t have to do this for me, I’m fine”



“No, I insist, like I said you obviously need more than I do, so go ahead and enjoy it”



*ding*



The elevator doors opened once again, Johanna and Daniel stepped out and headed out towards the exit, as soon as they opened the doors, the smell of industrial works filled the air. Everywhere they looked there were machines and advanced electronic devices working incredibly fast. A big holographic monitor crossed their way showing some kind advertisement for a cream.



“Man…every time I come out here it still surprises me” Daniel said, while he pulled a dark hoodie over his head.



“Yeah…Oh wait! I almost forgot!” Johanna said franticly searching her purse. She took out what seemed some kind of communicator.



“Oh great, I’m already late for the meeting” She looked over at Daniel with sad eyes



“Sorry Danny, I gotta go, I’m running really late”



Daniel shrugged and smiled at her.



“Hey don’t worry about it, I’m here all day you know, I’m not going anywhere”



She smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek as a way of saying goodbye, Daniel did the same.



She ran to her car and drove off, honking at Daniel as she left. Daniel looked back at the street, he looked from side to side to make sure no trooper was there to see him. Then, he ran towards an alleyway, the same alleyway the sirens and the lights had came from. Whatever or whoever got caught by the troopers, Daniel was about to find out.


I might post the whole thing, but when I find time to type it of course.   

just noticed something...

that Carver guy wouldn't happen to be this jerkface, would he?   

Spoiler:

Lol walking dead?




Anywayyyys...

Sorry Prince!
I was about to read this when you first posted, but then i had to go somewhere, and then i forgot about it   i'm sorry i'm a horrible person...


Now about the story,
Firstly,
CONGRATSSSSSS           

I can't believe you got to tenth that's super awesome!!!
I feel like i never know any people who get the attention they deserve, so BRAVO to YOU    


Secondly,
The newer version you have of it is sooooo much better,
The original idea was cool, but they way it was told was pretty dull and boring ( i feel like i have a right to say that because you've realized it too and made it awesoooome)
Really the first draft doesn't matter, it's the editing that does

so great job on that too

thirdly,
I definitely would read the story, because i think it's interesting and i would love to support you, but personally i'm not one for things like special powers... i'm more of a "this could really happen" type of person... ( then again i have a story about chips being inserted into everyone at birth and destroying their abiltiy to control their brain, i guess one is about as likely as the other) hahaha so i guess it could happen, just not my cup of tea...
So what i would suggest is make it interesting... i do love some books with powers, ( we'll avoid magical stuff like harry potter and septimus heap because that's not what we're talking about) but like aliens in the I Am Number Four series? That always gets me, mostly because everything has an explaination, and everything seems real. it's not passive... you feel like you are the character meeting real people.

Though i do like the use of third person,
Though first person is easier, it's also easiest to mess up... so good call   


I dunno if you care about any of that, but just tips in general (even things i, myself, am working on because heck i'm no where near good enough)




But anyways,
Congrats! And best of luck to ya!

So what happens if you win???
Do you get to publish it? *sits on edge of seat*
 

Dragoongamer86 wrote:

just noticed something...

that Carver guy wouldn't happen to be this jerkface, would he?   

Spoiler:

DING, DING, DING, you guessed it!   

His name and attitude is based off that ##, but my Carver is a little bit more mentally unstable and his actions and goals are much different.

I still hate that guy, even though he was a great villain.   



And Glory: Thanks!!    I worked really hard on the story, the main part of the competition was to make at least ten chapters, and I already made mine. Hopefully it'll impress the judges enough, even though getting into the ten finalists after competing against 200 people makes me feel great anyway.   

And, yeah the first draft needed a loooot of editing, it needed more story and interesting twists that make any story interesting, it was hard at first but then it felt like a breeze. I might post it here when I have the time.

And lastly, Yeah we do get to publish it...Or something like that.   We actually get to send to a college where professional story writers check it out, even if it isn't approved it gets a special place in the college where everyone can read it. But if it does get approved...   

We can have the chance to make it into an actual book!! How awesome is that!!   

I envy you forever   


I wish i could do something cool...  

@Princey, can't say our WD Carver is doing alright in the head either, as our mustachio-bearded friend was so kind to tell us he's a crazy piece of ashashasha   

Daww c'mon, I'm sure your story is just as cool as mine.  

Besides, I have a thing for first person stories. They make you feel all heroic and stuff.  



And Dragoon, Yeah he was a real loco. The guy killed like five people and thinks it's ok to tell stuff like "The weak must be killed" to an 11 year old.    Besides...son of b word almost killed Kenny. And Kenny's awesome! Who wouldn't love that mustached guy.

Well, i like first person when it's used correctly,
The problem is,
It's near impossible to make a story realistic from a first persons point of view...
Especially a boys...

(i mean really, they don't notice enough... really girls don't either, but for some reason it's easy to make it more believable...)

I definitely have my fair share of first person, and i write in first person as well...
But we can't all be J.D. Salinger, S.E. Hinton, and the author of Crime and Punishment (it's russian so i don't even want to attempt it...)


I'm just saying it's hard...

But it can be used... it's best to be used if your story has a different purpose... more artistic in a way... i've really been trying to work on a new artistic way to write...
What's the purpose in writing a word if it doesn't have a purpose...
Even the word "and" should have a purpose...

But maybe that's my inner poet speaking...

And i mean, it is big talk from me... pretty much my only thing i'm proud of artistically is the story "diving into the darkness" i'm working on it...
It turned out horribly cheasy, but that was just the original...
I have high expectations of it...
I want it to be dreamlike in a way... like Night Circus or something...

But i just really want to make something beautiful, that makes people feel things...


Hahaha i really haven't written much, just drafts and drafts of wishes and could-have-beens   

But i'm working  i'm still young hahaha

I still want something published by the end of the summer ;D

Prince Zuko wrote:

And Kenny's awesome! Who wouldn't love that mustached guy.

depends, did you side with him on every occasion?   

still love him despite that...Kenny for best character ever!   

Dragoongamer86 wrote:

Prince Zuko wrote:

And Kenny's awesome! Who wouldn't love that mustached guy.

depends, did you side with him on every occasion?   

still love him despite that...Kenny for best character ever!   

Not every time, I did fight with him on the train back in season 1. But all in all he's a reliable guy, strong and confident; that's someone you want in zombie apocalypse.   

No one can replace Lee though.   





And Glory, I hope you do finish it, It was getting pretty interesting. I liked the way you expressed things, it made it feel like you were the actual character. Hey who knows, we might even make make a story together. Though we have a lot to learn in storytelling before we get to that point.   

Prince Zuko wrote:

And Glory, I hope you do finish it, It was getting pretty interesting. I liked the way you expressed things, it made it feel like you were the actual character. Hey who knows, we might even make make a story together. Though we have a lot to learn in storytelling before we get to that point.   

d'aaawww shucks :3

Well i'm glad you liked it ^.^

I hated the end though... hahahahahaha

But i'll try to finish it


and yeah! That'd be fun ^.^
We'll seeeeee